Cricket Was Created By Sexual Deviants With Well-Beaten Hands… Probably

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Cricket… what a perfect name for a “sport” nobody understands or cares about. 

I hired a writer/contenter from England and gave him permission to write about anything he wanted (yay freedom). Naturally, he used that time to emasculate the great game of baseball. I’d be mad, but… I just don’t care about his opinion. His favorite sports are European kickball and cricket. How much can we really value his opinion?

Why are we here?

He called our American ancestors “weak”, for being smarter and more advanced than 15th century, England. Baseball was invented in the late 1800’s, The game consisted of small, hard balls being thrown and hit at people constantly, often at high rates of speed. 

All we had back then was a needle, thread and hand-made leather so the first gloves weren’t pretty, but they were better than nothing. It was more technology and brainpower than the Brits could apparently muster, more than 200 years earlier.. As Sanka told us in his blog yesterday, a Cricket ball is pretty comparable to a baseball… but cricket players don’t wear gloves on defense.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that foreign “wankers”, like Sanka, have palms so used to self-made beatings, the idea of using protection when playing with others, never came to mind…

But since you attacked my summer pastime (without any provocation from me, whatsoever, because I never disrespect foreign sports), I have no choice but to return fire. Again, this isn’t something I wanted, but something I’ve been forced into. Let’s examine the British game of “cricket”.

Why Sex Paddles?

What was happening in the room while cricket was being invented 500 years ago? What kind of sexual deviant was in charge of that “meeting”? Have you seen the “bats” that are used in this game? They aren’t bats at all.

How do I know? I see cricket “bats” on my pornhub feed everyday. They’re in the same videos as the blindfolded chicks who are tied up and choking on ball-gags (just for the record, these are videos I scroll past). I have so many questions… that I’m not sure I want to ask.

Speaking of ball gags…

Let’s talk about this “cricket ball” Sanka talked so much about during his blog. He said cricket balls and baseballs are comparable in makeup and maybe the modern version is. The original, though, was probably more forgiving on teeth. Either way, a cricket ball and paddle were used together, even before “cricket” was the game..

I’ve used neither a cricket ball or ball-gag… but baseballs wouldn’t be my go-to if I had to bounce a ball before it got to a hitter.

Where are you running?

I loved playing “hot-box” — “pickle in the middle”, for those who aren’t from Minnesota — as a kid. It was something to do, if you were sick of throwing baseballs back and forth between friends, and you didn’t have enough space for an actual game. I don’t know if I’d base an entire “sport’s” scoring system around it, though…

Foul Balls Aren’t Exciting

People love seeing balls bombed into the seats… but not foul balls. “Chicks dig the long ball” is a thing… not “Chicks dig the foul ball”. Where are these players trying to hit these ball gags? You are using sex paddles that are flat and 3 feet long… how do you struggle to hit it FORWARD?

I have an idea… don’t bounce the ball-gag. Lose the sex paddles, too. You’re playing a game that was invented by two bored and deranged 15th century “athletes”. I don’t have to look up the history on “cricket” to know how it came about. The tools are all there, to tell the story. Paddles, ball-gags, and balls hit backward… sounds fun.

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Eric Strack | Minnesota Sports Fan

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