Twins Should Trade Play-Doh Penis Bullpen for Silver While They Search for Gold

The Minnesota Twins bullpen is bad. No… like really fucking bad…

Just crunched the bullpen numbers for the Twins-Seattle series. Not including Milone as a reliever, since he had an opener on Wednesday, the Mariners’ bullpen ERA was 22.50 (15 earned in six innings) for the three games. The Twins’ bullpen ERA was 7.59.

— Judd Zulgad (@jzulgad) June 14, 2019

Twins bullpen continues to be an absolute embarrassment

— Seth Toupal (@sethtoups) June 13, 2019

May and Parker this inning out of the Twins bullpen: One-third of an inning, three hits, five runs, four earned with one walk. Seattle leads 6-1 with one out in the eighth.

— Judd Zulgad (@jzulgad) June 13, 2019

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Before we go any further, let’s remember none of this is an emergency. I’m not sure the Target Field roof imploding, from a snow storm in the middle of June, would be an emergency at this point. It certainly wouldn’t cost us the division. Nonetheless, pitching this bad can’t be mistaken for a fanbase just trying to nitpick a good team…

If you have a greek god statue made of gold, a silver penis would look weird and out of place but… it’s still a dick made of silver, right? Well, the Twins bullpen would be a penis made of crumbly green play-doh on a golden greek god of a statue. 

It’s going to be tough to win any art contests with that member as part of the display.. but there’s good news about your statue and its crumbly play-doh penis…

Our Twins statue doesn’t have to go on display for another 3+ months. And, you have a full month to alter it. In that time, you can trade away pieces of your current statue or blocks of raw (but unknown) building materials (meant for future statues) in exchange for pieces that will help you more in this year’s competition.

You Can Start Small…

Eventually, we’ll need a bright, shiny and golden apendage; to match our beautiful statue, if we really want to compete to win in the world art show. One that’s proven to come through in the clutch, guaranteed to stay hard and shiny, in even the most flaccid of moments. To do that though, the Twins will have to give up a beautiful, glistening, but ultimately unknown, block of raw material… The type of material that ANY builder would LOVE to get their hands on. But hey, a high-end dick like what the Twins would want to strap on in return, doesn’t come cheap. 

However, if you feel like you can get a better deal down the road, for that golden dick by remaining patient, then you can trade some of your lesser quality raw blocks now, in exchange for lesser quality metals like silver and bronze.

Then, take that new shiny metal and replace that green, crumbly play-doe, for a solid and durable bronze or silver base. That way, when you make THAT INEVITABLE trade for an even harder, more pure and dependable golden plate, to place over the top of your now reliable metal base, you might have yourself a beautiful and fully dicked statue.

via GIPHY

For those of you who have a sense of humor comparable to Drax (you probably don’t get that reference either), this means the Twins should go get bullpen help right now. Even if it isn’t that high-end, back of the bullpen, guy that we will surely need for a deep playoff run, just get something to help out for the short term. This bullpen is a drain on the fans and will be to the team if it continues to be a problem. Use a 15-20 organizationally ranked prospect to get a guy who has an ERA under 4 and a positive WAR.

As long as it’s just the first move in a flurry of them… To be clear, the moves would need to get bigger as we get closer to the trade deadline. You can’t leave the small silver base on display for the World Series Art Show, leaving our beautiful, elite, golden god of a statue in danger of early elimination. Nobody likes an early exit.

Eric Strack | Minnesota Sports Fan