A Minnesota Vikings Best/Worst of the Decade… but Different.
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ICYMI, the Author of this blog is British and needs a Translation Key:
*British people spell a lot of words wrong: “graying, defense, and savior” are all misspelled in this piece.
*British men use the c-word as if it’s a replacement for “asshole” in our profanity dictionary, and get away with it for whatever reason… (I’ve seen it in movies too)
*they also use weird words like “twat” and “wanker”
*I have no idea what a “Hokey Cokey” is… sorry.
We are approaching the end of another decade and everyone is doing a top-10 this; or a top 10 that, of the decade. I am different. I am a non-chest hair shaving, *greying, British man; who loves being unique (or a *cunt, whatever works).
So, here is your Minnesota Vikings TOP-6 “Good, Bad and Ugly” of the decade:
Let’s start happy and end in misery. We have had a lot of good this decade, but here is my top 6!
- The Minneapolis Miracle: It was 2am or 3am or something late am for me on this cold night in January. The kids were asleep, I was lying in bed on my own, sad. Head on the pillow, staring at my phone wondering what happened to the *defence in the second half? And then Keenum steps in to… I do a full-on burpee in bed. My first one ever! Jumping up and down. Silently cheering and punching the air… Vikings win it! Goosebumps. Still. I will be telling my grand kids to tell their grand kids about this one
- Adrian Peterson MVP season: Purple Jesus ran for TWO THOUSAND and NINETY-SEVEN (2,097) yards! Coming off of a career threatening injury, he battled back to win the league’s MVP, in a year where he carried the Vikings into playoffs. The O-line got some credit for giving him the holes, but boy did he fill them (Giggidy)! I was personally thankful I picked him up in the 3rd round of my fantasy draft that year!
- Rob Brzezinski: If someone told the 13-year-old me that a Math geek would make some arbitrary top 6 list in 2019, I would have been walking around with even more awkward erections than what I remember (I remember there being a lot)! Instead I got a $0.99 cone from McDonald’s for getting a statistically impossible 103% in the math test. But enough about my awkward and lonely teen years, Mr. B is the hero we don’t deserve. We signed Kirk to a guaranteed deal, extended Hunter, Diggs, Thielen, Barr, Kendricks, Griffen… all thanks to a guy who was good with numbers. Nerds of the world salute you sir!
- WR bargains: Did you know that Adam Thielen was undrafted? Yeah crazy right! He nearly became a dental equipment salesman. The horror! We also found something called a “Diggs” in the fifth round of the 2015 NFL draft. Both are now absolute cornerstones of the team. You would easily stud them out to mate with your wife or girlfriend. Or both!
- Aaron Rodgers getting hurt: Now before any of your Boomers/Gen Z (who ever you pricks are) come into my mentions (that’s @UKSkol on Twitter) with “you really gonna celebrate an injury brah?”. I am not celebrating the injury. I am enjoying the amount of whining he did post-injury. I mean, he walked into A. Barr and we all know A-Rod can’t handle his drink. But of course, the NFL sucked him off and changed the rule, and as a result Clay Matthews got punished. It was the gift that kept on giving…
- US Bank Stadium: What a beaut! It is loud, modern and fucking beautiful! It is better than Wembley, and that is high praise coming from a Brit. My only game at the Bank will forever be cherished in my memory as one of the best days in my life!
Shout out to the UK Skol Squad who made it out to @USBankStadium for the Eagles game ?
— Minnesota Vikings UK (@UKVikings) October 17, 2019
The bad, ugly, painful, and/or crying in the fetal position Top-6:
- 27 yard field goal: I don’t want to talk about it. It was TWENTY-SEVEN FUCKING YARDS BLAIR. *Twat. No, I am fine. I am over it. Just kick the damn thing straight. You weren’t even close with-it you *wanker. I am fine. Honestly. Prick.
- The 2018 offensive line: You spend $84 million on a quarterback and you put a sieve in front of him. You might as well have IR’d the poor fucker, at the start of the season. Poor Kirk stood no chance. We started with Remmers and Compton at guard. Elflein at *centre and Hill at RT! The horror. Anyway, Kirk got to taste the US Bank turf really well!
- Laquon Treadwell: The *saviour. All we needed was a wide receiver to get us over the hump. Forget the awesome linebackers, Myles Jack and Jaylon Smith. Forget Xavien Howard or Michael “145 receptions” Thomas. Laquon Treadwell was the *saviour. 9 starts. ONE catch. 15 yards… Decent catch radius, though!
- Brett Favre’s second season: This one just sneaks into the decade. 2009 was great – NFCCG, 4200+ yards and a career best QB rating of 107.2. We had to bring him back, right? No brainer! I mean he is a Vikings HOFer, after all. 13 games, 2500 yards and the worst QB rating of his Vikings HOF career, this went bad quick. But we will always have the 1st of November, 2009 and the four touchdowns you threw at Lambeau.
- Tony Sparano: No jokes. This was sad. RIP Tony Sparano
- US Bank Stadium killing the birds: We built this beautiful stadium with 200,000 feet of glass. Apparently, glass reflects the sky. Who knew?! The dumbass birds get confused and crash into the glass and die. Get this, on average 111 birds die every year at the US Bank stadium. Well, that and the hopes of 66,655 Vikings fans far too often…
Ah the ugly. Brace yourself. You are about to enter a dark part of the decade. This section will haunt you.
Maybe grab a strong drink before you read on… whatever skinny-canned seltzer you Americans are drinking this month.
- 38-7: Sigh. We just came off a miracle win at home. The Eagles had a backup quarterback, Napoleon Dynamite. We are looking at a super bowl at our new home stadium with a win. “Bring it home” is the cover photo for every single Vikings fan on Twitter. First drive was exactly by script, Case marches the team down the field. Rudy scores. Paint the end zone in the purple colours fellas, it is coming home. But then, shit got ugly. Like your wife screaming at you during birth because “YOU PUT THIS THING IN ME!”, ugly. It was all a blur after the interception. I just wanted it to end. Please, make it stop…
- Adrian Peterson hitting his kid: Why AP? Why? You were league MVP. a hero in every Vikings fans’ eyes. Then you do that shit. I could never wear his jersey again after that shit. This isn’t 1950’s America anymore. It wasn’t just the action that was ugly. It was the ban for the year and how the whole situation just left the fanbase in purgatory. Is he coming back? Do we trade him? Nope, he’s staying… It was U-G-L-Y. We should have just traded his ass to Somali or something.
- Teddy’s knee: Who got excited for what Teddy could do, after he made those two throws against the Chargers in the preseason? This guy! New stadium, solid team, Teddy firing… Postseason, here we come! — *Beep beep* — ‘Oh I got a text message’, “FUCK! WHAT?! HOW?! Why is Rick is crying??” — Yup, it was Ugly. This didn’t go as planned at all. We are known for our knee injuries but this one was gut wrenching. The guy had potential and the team loved him… it all had so much promise.
- Zimmer’s eye: Well this was just crazy. Mike Zimmer scratches his eye. Has a gazillion surgeries and still can’t see out of it! What the hell kinda crazy ass shit is this?! For a long time all we saw in the news cycles was news on his eyes. We even had Mike Priefer as acting head coach, for a crucial game against Dallas, because of an eye surgery. You can’t write this shit. Well, I am… But you know what I mean.
- Sam Bradford’s knee: We loves our knew injuries, amirite? But this was just puzzling. Who got a boner when Sam absolutely torched the Saints on that Monday night in September? I did. I wanked over his throw to Jarius Wright several times. This was the year for sure. Or not.. another freak knee injury, one *Hokey Cokey in Chicago, and we’re suddenly looking at starter, Case Kennum with Teddy as a back up.That lead to our rinsing in the NFCCG. What the hell kind of ugly is this? I still don’t know what happened to his knees? Carpet burns?!
- US Bank Stadium super bowl: 1.061 billion Dollars spent on the state of the art facility. Bid for super bowl and win the bid. Build a team to win the super bowl. Make the game… well almost. We have covered this already. But we wasted the opportunity to make US Bank the greatest place in Vikings history. Ever.
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